Saturday, September 24, 2011

Obey The Market Obey The Market Obey The Market ...

This just in: Obey the Market! If we do, all will be well.

I had a brain-flash earlier this week, what with the stock markets of the world going nuts, people panicking, talk of doom every which way. I was due one, and providence delivered. After all, I write this blog and owe it to me public to guide with wisdom in troubled times. Brain-flashes don’t visit me often, so when they do, I lie down and take them very seriously indeed. Thankfully this one was brilliant in its simplicity.

Four small words a child can understand: Bail out the banks.

Hear me out. Don’t think I haven’t thought this through.

As we all know, times are troubled right now. I won’t list the details because they’re everywhere in plain sight, but when I say every one of us owes everyone an awful lot of money, I suspect you’ll know what I’m talking about. That’s right, money is the problem. And, being money factories creating, selling, storing and moving money throughout the economy, the banks are suffering bad. These poor guys are hurting like nobody’s business and if they stumble, should they fall upon their brave knees, we have to be there to help them stand tall again. We need them as they need us. We’re in this together. If we don’t step up to the plate here and sign over all the money we can’t possibly afford unless we do so, they’ll die.

It’s that simple. We have to dig deep into our collective debt and borrow more money from the banks to bail them out so that we can pay them back the money we lent them ... sorry, they lent us to lend them to help them help us help them out. It’s that simple.

And I’m not even going to try and frighten you with a description of the bloody mayhem that will erupt in full fury the very second we don’t bail out the banks, because deep in our hearts, we all know this is so. The choice is stark: act to bail out the banks, or die horribly. Even you, dearest Reader!

But here’s the real stunner. At last the experts agree with me! Check this out:

“G20 must unite again to resolve crisis as it did in 2009, says Lagarde
IMF managing director invokes spirit of London summit, saying 'we need to address the current crisis together'”

“IMF chief tells Europe: you must bail out the banks again” (Guardian headlines)

“We need to recapitalise European banks.” (Edward Harrison.)

“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner drew a cool response from EU policymakers when he urged them to leverage their bailout fund to better tackle the debt crisis and to start speaking with one voice.” (Reuters)

In the company of kings at last. I always secretly dreamed I’d find respect from the leaders of our world, those who really know how the game works, and now it looks like I have my in. The only problem is you could argue I hastily patched this article together after reading those headlines. It’s not true. I am as clever as they are and can have ideas as brilliant as theirs.

“Politicians must listen to the markets, not ignore them” (Telegraph)

“Warning of a stock market rout unless a eurozone rescue package is found. Obama urges France and Germany to move quickly to find a solution to the eurozone crisis, while UK chancellor George Osborne claims Britain is 'ahead of the curve'” (Guardian)

There you have it. The Market is telling us to bail out the banks because if we don’t ... Well, you know what will happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

P.s. This article assumes the world began in 2010.

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